3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
please don't ironically join a cult
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