your parents love me but you hate me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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