Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
