It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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