He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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