I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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