my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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