i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
