There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
