Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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