I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
