I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
