i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
