you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
