life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
