when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You are a genius and a whore.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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