Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
