1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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