Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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