So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
