Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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