Umm I'm too high to move.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
