I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
