Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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