I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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