I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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