I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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