I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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