I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
