I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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