I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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