Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
