i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
