Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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