your parents love me but you hate me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
