Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
