No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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