I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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