I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
