Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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