I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
