She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
