Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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