His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
