I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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