You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
