Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
