New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
