I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
