At least make sure they are 18
Why
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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