I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
