This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
