I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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