he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
