don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
