He uses pillows to masturbate.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
