Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
