My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
