Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
