She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
